Responding to Challenging Toddler Behavior

Sometimes I feel like I have been plucked up from an infant room and dropped off directly in the middle of a crowd of toddlers. It may feel like this for some of you or your children as well. All of a sudden your babies are toddlers and exhibiting toddler behaviors.

Some normal toddler behaviors we’ve been seeing in our classroom are biting, hitting, grabbing, and hugs turning rough. Some mealtime issues we’ve been addressing are throwing plates, cups, and food as well as taking other children’s food.

Maybe they are looking for a big reaction from us. Maybe they're teething. Maybe they're looking for some attention. Maybe they don't know how they're feeling and are looking for an outlet.

Something we've been trying to do is not take these behaviors personally. We've been framing these behaviors as the child’s way of asking for help. Why yes, we can help!

We’ve looked for guidance on these normal toddler behaviors and found Janet Lansbury’s suggestions very useful. We know some parents are using this approach already, but it is new to me! I have noticed a difference while using it in our classroom and wanted to share. It is about gently setting clear limits.

Here are two articles by Janet Lansbury that you may find helpful in responding to these new toddler behaviors. "Biting, Hitting, Kicking and Other Challenging Toddler Behavior" and "If Gentle Discipline Isn't Working This Might Be the Reason".

Janet Lansbury also has a Facebook page where she posts questions and answers from parents and teachers. I've benefited from reading the comments from people around the world on her Facebook posts. I like her ideas because she seems to simplify the “problem” or behavior. Sometimes we overthink things like biting or hitting because we see them as such big ideas. It’s been helpful to take a breath and simplify the issue by recognizing that the child is asking for help. For example, “I see you’re having a really hard time… I’m going to help you by….”

Sometimes, modifying our responses to not give any attention to the behavior has been working. Sometimes we have to respond if we see a child trying to bite for example. These are the situations where I’m constantly asking myself, “Did I respond to that correctly?” And then I think there’s no one right way to react. I think the response has to be appropriate to the situation and every situation is different.

Some parents have asked that we share more language we use in the classroom to give a fuller picture of our interactions. Below are some examples of the language we use in certain situations and ideas to incorporate into a response.

Examples:

Child just bit another classmate:

“Your friend is crying, that really hurt them.”

“Do you see how sad that made them?”

“Let’s check on them and help them feel better.”

“I won't let you bite your friend. You can bite a teether, would you like a teether?”

“Thanks for letting me know you can't be safe right now. I'm going to sit with you for a minute.”

“Thanks for letting me know you need help.”

“I see you're having a really hard time not biting. I'm going to help you by sitting with you.”

Trying to Bite:

“I won’t let you bite.”

“I need to move your body away because you’re showing me you can’t be safe right now.”

Hitting:

“I won’t let you hit me.”

If they keep hitting: “I won’t let you hit me, it looks like you need help not hitting so i’m going to hold your arms”.

Mealtime:
Child: throws plate
Teacher: picks up the plate and puts it on the counter

Child: throws food and looks at the teacher
Teacher: moves the child’s chair back away from the table and says, “I won’t let you throw your food. You’re letting me know that you need help, you’re not ready to eat your lunch. I’ll move you back soon and you can try eating again.”
Teacher: (waits a minute)
Teacher, “I’m going to move you back now, and you can trying eating your lunch agai.n”
Child: leaves their plate and begins eating 
Teacher: praises something like “You're using your fork to eat! That's great!”

A change in behavior or response does not happen overnight for a child, parent, or teacher. Even though I am trying to use this new “I won’t let you..” language I often catch myself starting to say “No” or “That hurts” which is probably just the reaction they are looking for - they know it’s in there somewhere! I keep telling myself it’s a process, it’ll be a gradual change. I’ve learned it’s never too late to try a new approach!

With care,

Emily for ACE

Giving Children Space for Focused Play (A Collaborative Piece)

(Amara)

We live in a culture of constant stimulation and interruptions. With videos and cell phones and all things beeping and buzzing around us, it is easy to get caught up in that fast-paced and attention-grabbing environment. I like to be in our classroom because it is a space where I can be away from all of that. If we go out on a walk, I bring my phone in case of an emergency, but otherwise it is tucked away in my bag all day. Our classroom has windows, not computer screens, to create a visual escape. It is peaceful and inviting and conducive to what is so important for our children: play.

Our toddlers are still at a stage in their lives where things that may seem mundane to adults are really fascinating objects that require experimenting with in all different ways. Even as they grow older, there are going to be multitudes of activities that will lend themselves to focused play and experimentation. When I was an assistant teacher in a Montessori school, my job was to maintain an environment in which our 3 to 6 year-olds could have uninterrupted work time to focus on their chosen activities. I did not need to ask them what they were doing or try to draw their attention to something else that was happening in the classroom; I could simply observe what they were working on and give them space to succeed at it.

Our overall philosophy may differ here at PTCC, but I think that the core principles align with Montessori's. Here at PTCC, we encourage collaboration, but not if it is uninvited. There are times when we may narrate what a child is doing or an interaction they are having with another child, which can be very valuable. There are other times in which I think it is best to sit back, observe how an experience plays out, and see what we and the children can learn from it. Sometimes we may have an idea about how a material can be used, and when we sit back and watch how a child interacts with it, they may surprise us by using it in a way that we had never even thought of! How can we learn these things if we don't give children the space to try them? I think that sitting back is also a way of showing children respect for what they are doing. It is hard to focus on my work if someone is constantly coming over and interrupting me, so why would I do that to children?

I remember one day when I had put out markers, and some of our children were engaged with drawing on the paper (or themselves). When Nate came over, he picked up a marker with the cap on, and stood there, working to fit the marker into a small PVC pipe that had been brought over to that area. I could have said, "Hey Nate, let's take the cap off of the marker so that you can draw with everyone," but I moved back to let him follow through with what interested him. I was pretty excited to see how he was using these materials, and it was a great opportunity for him to work on problem solving, spatial awareness, and fine motor skills.

What else might Nate have learned from this experience? 


(Amara and Christina) 

It seems to boil down to our individual agendas. We have our agendas as adults to get everything done according to our schedules, but we need to always be conscious of the children's agendas and needs. A regular example of this for us teachers is during diapering times. It would be convenient for us to get diapers done as fast as possible so that we can move on to the next thing, such as going outside, but we try to be aware of when a child is in the middle of something and give them the time and space they need to complete their process. This is not always easy, and we are working on it all the time.

Can you think of a time this might apply to your family at home?

(Christina)

Since last year in Infant South, I've been interested in researching how an interruption, such as by a teacher, might affect a child's work. I am always trying to be conscious, not only about how much I say, but also what I say, and whether it might be helpful, or on the other hand, distracting, to a child as they play. This year, I am trying hard to remember, as we worked to be aware of with our babies last year, to invite rather than enforce that children participate in an activity such as coming to the table to eat. For example, we all wash our hands upon coming into the classroom, but if, before lunch, a child wishes to climb in and out of the book case or flip through a book before coming to the table, I try to remind myself that nothing bad is going to happen if they don't come over right away! In fact, by allowing a child the time and space to make a choice for themselves, they feel empowered and respected when we say something like, "We are starting to eat at the table...you can join us whenever you're ready." Usually, children come pretty soon after we say this anyway, but it is their decision, and practice in making decisions is important at a young age, so we can do it effectively during our entire lives.

The other day, I had set up the sensory table filled with water, along with two plastic bottles with holes that Amara and I poked into them. One of them could be capped and shut airtight, and the other had a two-part lid which could be screwed on, but with a flat top that went completely on or off. Having been inspired by the water play provocations set up for us at the Curiosity and Learning conference at Wheelock the previous weekend, I was excited to give the children a chance to possibly see the "magic" of what happens when a bottle with holes poked in it is airtight and you hold it sideways and shift it back and forth. (Try it at home!) Theo was happily filling up and pouring water out of the two-part lid bottle, and after watching him for a few moments, I wondered out loud what might happen if we closed the lid completely. I offered Theo the cap and gestured to see if he would let me put it on the bottle, but he quickly replied, "No, open." Theo had his own plan, and did not need me to offer any suggestions in order for him to learn something from his exploration. I don't think there was anything necessarily wrong about me trying to collaborate with him and extend the activity, but, based on his emphatic response, I wonder how my "interruption" affected his play. Did I distract him from his focused work? Or maybe, he was not affected negatively by it, and even could have gained a new idea, while maintaining his focus in order to complete his own plan. Still, this scenario left me wishing I had just waited, but we have to remember we are not perfect and can still foster children's learning, just by being aware of their innate ability to discover things on their own.

Has there been a time that you (or someone else) intervened in your child's play, and then you wished the interruption hadn't occurred?

We look forward to hearing your thoughts and observations about giving our children time and space for focused play.

With care,
ACE

"The S Word" (an article about SHARING by Janet Lansbury)

Before you read this article (by Janet Lansbury): What are your thoughts on sharing?

It’s chanted on every playground and enforced at the park, parties and play dates. It’s a word that has become the social mantra for parents of toddlers everywhere: Share!

We are all desperate for our children to share. Sharing is vital. The future of the world depends upon our children’s spirit of generosity. We fear that if we don’t remind our children to share, they might become selfish, stingy outcasts. Or, we worry that we will be judged an indulgent, inconsiderate and ill-mannered parent.

The truth is that toddlers don’t yet understand the concept of sharing, and our parental concerns make “share” a loaded word. We tend to misuse it. We say “share,” but what we really mean is, “Give what you have to another child.”

Why would a child want to ‘share’ his red truck when it means giving up the truck to someone else?

Toddlers want what they see, and that object becomes “theirs.” “Mine” can mean either: I see it, I want it, or I’m using it. The idea of ownership — the concept that dad or mom bought an item at the store so now it belongs to them — is not understood by a toddler.

It’s common in RIE Parent/Infant Classes for children to want the same toy. The giving and taking of toys often begins as a social gesture, an infant’s early attempt to make contact with another infant. The children may appear to be struggling with a toy, but with a bit of patience and objective observation, we usually see that there is little stress and lots of curiosity. If a child reacts to the exchange with surprise or disappointment, infant expert Magda Gerber advises caregivers to “sportscast,” rather than interfere. “Sportscast” means to acknowledge the interactions of the children in a matter-of-fact way, never implying blame. Children often calm down when they feel that an adult understands. We might say, for example: “Rex, you were holding the car, and now Sophie has it.” Or, “You and Sophie both want that toy.”

There are no villains or victims in Toddlerland, just children learning by experimenting with social behaviors.

When infants and toddlers have opportunities for uninterrupted socialization, they will try out different options. Should they let go and allow the other child to take the ball away? What happens if they hold on tightly? If they do ‘share’ or offer something to another child, how does that child react? As infant expert Magda Gerber reminded us in her book Your Self-Confident Baby, “Self-learned lessons, whether sharing or the will to hold on, stick with us longer.”

Children will often demonstrate that the interaction with another child is what interests them, not the toy itself. This is evident when there are multiples of a certain object available, yet the children are only interested in the one that has “heat.” Soon after the struggle is over, the toy is usually dropped, becomes “cold,” and no one wants it anymore. Children are best left to work these situations out by themselves while the adults ensure that there is no hitting or hurting.

Several years ago I experienced the futility of adult interference in a toddler power struggle when I brought my daughter to her friend’s house to play. The girls both wanted a particular doll. The girl’s kind-hearted mother couldn’t bear to see them fight, so she offered my daughter a replacement toy, a stuffed turtle. Then both girls wanted the turtle, so she brought something else. She brought toy after toy to the girls, and they continued to fight over each new toy. Finally, after tears and yelling, the girls finished their rivalry, abandoned all the toys and went out in the yard to play, friends again.

So, how do we teach children to share with others?

First, by modeling generosity. For example, saying to a child, “You’re reaching for my crackers. Here, I’ll share some with you.” Or, “Let’s share this umbrella.”

Second, when our child demonstrates generosity we acknowledge it. “It was kind of you to share those blocks with Robert.”

Most importantly, we must be patient and trust that our child will learn to share in time.

No parent feels comfortable when their child takes from another, holds on to toys that another wants to use, or seems upset because another child will not share with him. But these situations usually look far worse from our point-of-view than they do from our child’s. When we unnecessarily intervene in a struggle by insisting that a child shares, we rob him of a social learning experience. And when we insist that our child shares before he can truly understand what that means, we risk making “share” a bad word. A child shares when he begins to feel empathy for others, empathy modeled through a parent’s patience and trust in him.

-Janet Lansbury

What do you think about this approach?
I am curious about reading your thoughts or any other approach you would like to share.

Warmly,

Dilcia with Amara, Christina and Susie

Busy Protagonistas

Busy Protagonistas..

 Last week, we had our last session with Kara. Theo and I worked together as I helped him with some yoga poses which he smiled through the whole time while repeating my words. Anika and Edith took turns spending their time enjoying yoga with Kara. Adi delightfully took a minute to join in, he laughed as I helped him with a couple of yoga poses. And Rui seemed to be joining right in as he lay on a pillow and stretched his legs up and out using his hand to hold a foot.

Kara also brought in this wonderful sounding bowl. Edith, Adi, Theo, and Rui took time to investigate how it works. As they played the sounding bowl it caught every baby's attention as it made a 'beautiful' sound. I think it was a unique classroom experience for them.

                                                                                                 
                                                                                                     Outside

Time in the Piazza

What are Oscar and Edith  Awwed by?

Studio in the classroom: An exploration of light, mirrors and paper

Shaking, banging and Crumpling Paper

Exploring Light

Finding Our Reflections

And.....Time for hugs

"Sometimes we fall when one offers a hug"

A peek at last week through photos

Enjoying some time outside in the beautiful May weather...

Using the climber in all different ways...

Getting wet in the water table...

  

Discovering new things all the time...

Observations

There are many moments in which giving an infant time while we just observe is beneficial for both infant and caregiver providing everyone involved with clear communication and showing the infant your trust. Your babies are at a stage in which their responses, wants and needs are more clear and they may have their own way or even sign language to show it. Sometimes you can read their eyes, it can be a smirk that gives you an answer or even a hand grip as my example below shows.

As Elliott and I were saying good morning, Oscar who was in dad’s arms was seemingly wanting to join in by looking at, babbling at and showing me amazingly big smiles. He even reached out to touch me with one hand. Instead of taking Oscar as ready as he seemed to be, I reached out and asked if he wanted to come to me. Oscar looked at my reached out arms, his smile, though still there, dimmed down a bit, but what I noticed most was his hand grip slightly onto his dad. I said to him, “ I think that you are not ready yet, It’s OK I can wait until you are.” Oscar responded with his great big smile and more babbling. He happily played with his dad on the carpet near me and at a point crawled over to me and into my arms. As I waited for his cues it allowed Oscar to have control over the situation and choose his needs/wants at the moment.

As we all know observations are very important when getting to know infants and when watching them grow. We use observations to find cues to when baby is hungry, sleepy, or just want to cuddle and further to know what they are interested in, how their personalities are, how they are developing, and what skills they may need to work more on. But taking time to observe infants closely can also be helpful in making sure they are given the opportunity to listen to us and to respond, to start making their own choices, and it's yet another way to show them respect. Many times we are making assumptions of what it is babies want or are OK with. For example, just because a baby might not cry does not necessarily mean she was completely ready to be swept and put in a chair.

As I asked Edith the other day if she wanted to go sit for lunch, instead of just picking her up, letting her know it was lunch time and sitting her in a chair, I watched. Edith looked over to the table where many babies were already sitting, she looked back down at the object in her hands and kept exploring it. I waited, about two minutes later I bent down to Edith’s level and told her everyone was about to eat to let me know when she was ready to join. Seconds later, Edith put the object down and with a smile on her face crawled over to the kitchen. Even though Edith would most likely not have cried or rejected my picking her up and bringing her over to the table to sit, I felt better having given her the time to finish what she was working on and join the group when she was ready.

We can learn so much by taking time to observe when your baby is at play. What it is that appeals to them about a play object, how he uses his fingers when exploring specific objects, but also what he might be telling or maybe showing us might be translated through simple gestures.

                     Observe more, do less

Do less, enjoy more

-Magda Gerber

Dilcia with Amara, Christina, and Susie