Responding to Challenging Toddler Behavior

Sometimes I feel like I have been plucked up from an infant room and dropped off directly in the middle of a crowd of toddlers. It may feel like this for some of you or your children as well. All of a sudden your babies are toddlers and exhibiting toddler behaviors.

Some normal toddler behaviors we’ve been seeing in our classroom are biting, hitting, grabbing, and hugs turning rough. Some mealtime issues we’ve been addressing are throwing plates, cups, and food as well as taking other children’s food.

Maybe they are looking for a big reaction from us. Maybe they're teething. Maybe they're looking for some attention. Maybe they don't know how they're feeling and are looking for an outlet.

Something we've been trying to do is not take these behaviors personally. We've been framing these behaviors as the child’s way of asking for help. Why yes, we can help!

We’ve looked for guidance on these normal toddler behaviors and found Janet Lansbury’s suggestions very useful. We know some parents are using this approach already, but it is new to me! I have noticed a difference while using it in our classroom and wanted to share. It is about gently setting clear limits.

Here are two articles by Janet Lansbury that you may find helpful in responding to these new toddler behaviors. "Biting, Hitting, Kicking and Other Challenging Toddler Behavior" and "If Gentle Discipline Isn't Working This Might Be the Reason".

Janet Lansbury also has a Facebook page where she posts questions and answers from parents and teachers. I've benefited from reading the comments from people around the world on her Facebook posts. I like her ideas because she seems to simplify the “problem” or behavior. Sometimes we overthink things like biting or hitting because we see them as such big ideas. It’s been helpful to take a breath and simplify the issue by recognizing that the child is asking for help. For example, “I see you’re having a really hard time… I’m going to help you by….”

Sometimes, modifying our responses to not give any attention to the behavior has been working. Sometimes we have to respond if we see a child trying to bite for example. These are the situations where I’m constantly asking myself, “Did I respond to that correctly?” And then I think there’s no one right way to react. I think the response has to be appropriate to the situation and every situation is different.

Some parents have asked that we share more language we use in the classroom to give a fuller picture of our interactions. Below are some examples of the language we use in certain situations and ideas to incorporate into a response.

Examples:

Child just bit another classmate:

“Your friend is crying, that really hurt them.”

“Do you see how sad that made them?”

“Let’s check on them and help them feel better.”

“I won't let you bite your friend. You can bite a teether, would you like a teether?”

“Thanks for letting me know you can't be safe right now. I'm going to sit with you for a minute.”

“Thanks for letting me know you need help.”

“I see you're having a really hard time not biting. I'm going to help you by sitting with you.”

Trying to Bite:

“I won’t let you bite.”

“I need to move your body away because you’re showing me you can’t be safe right now.”

Hitting:

“I won’t let you hit me.”

If they keep hitting: “I won’t let you hit me, it looks like you need help not hitting so i’m going to hold your arms”.

Mealtime:
Child: throws plate
Teacher: picks up the plate and puts it on the counter

Child: throws food and looks at the teacher
Teacher: moves the child’s chair back away from the table and says, “I won’t let you throw your food. You’re letting me know that you need help, you’re not ready to eat your lunch. I’ll move you back soon and you can try eating again.”
Teacher: (waits a minute)
Teacher, “I’m going to move you back now, and you can trying eating your lunch agai.n”
Child: leaves their plate and begins eating 
Teacher: praises something like “You're using your fork to eat! That's great!”

A change in behavior or response does not happen overnight for a child, parent, or teacher. Even though I am trying to use this new “I won’t let you..” language I often catch myself starting to say “No” or “That hurts” which is probably just the reaction they are looking for - they know it’s in there somewhere! I keep telling myself it’s a process, it’ll be a gradual change. I’ve learned it’s never too late to try a new approach!

With care,

Emily for ACE